Future me: looking back Part 1

 I'm writing this now because realistically, I probably won't remember any of this once I'm out of this situation. Because trauma y'know. And loss of memory due to trauma and supposedly the body or brain's coping mechanism of wanting to forget and not relive traumatic/unpleasant events. Many times I've heard stories or watched YouTube videos of people talking about how their life was in a previous season. Usually some unhealthy situation. Whether that be a job, or a relationship, or general living situation, it's usually a story about how their life was in a bad place of some sort, and now they're out of that situation and in a healthier place (not just physically but also mentally and often a bunch of other things too, like being spiritually more healthy). The point is, once I'm no longer where I am no, I probably won't remember any of what I'm living through now, so I'm writing this to look back on later. For a few reasons: 1. So I'll  have proof that I've actually made progress in life. 2. So I'll be reminded of what I lived through so I don't ever go back to that. 3. So I can hopefully process the trauma in a healthier way, instead of just forgetting everything like I did after my last job. 

I realised a few days ago that it's generally around the 6-month mark of a job that I no longer want to be there or do that thing. This is slightly different, because I was working a job for about 8 months before I was offered a promotion. It's now 6 months into the promotion, and I just don't want to do this anymore. And it's not that I'm being lazy. It's just that the things that I have to deal with just drain me till no end. Not all of it, but some of it. And the stuff that drains me is enough to make me want to quit it altogether. Don't even get me started on burnout. 

Another thing I realised is that working with creative people when you're also a creative, is honestly not all that great. I'd assume it's even worse for people who aren't creatives to work with creative people, but that's not my point. I'd never perceived being a creative as problematic. Sure, I knew that there are odd people in the world, but until I had to co-exist and be productive around other creatives, I'd never realised how frustrating it can be. I don't know if other creatives experience it this way as well, or if I have just as many non-creative characteristics as I have creative characteristics, that the way of working as a creative just isn't how my brain works. My point is, working with creatives, when you're on different wavelengths, can be really hard at times. 

There have been times when I've wondered if I was self-sabotaging by keeping myself on that wavelength that I am and not adapting to the people around me's wavelenghs, but with time I've realised that compromising on your vibe and values and beliefs just aren't worth it purely for the sake of being agreeable. Sometimes you just have to accept that not being aligned with the environment that you're currently in means that maybe you're not supposed to be in that environment. At least not long term. 

There are two reasons why I'm currently staying in this environment that's making me sick. The first being that I don't want to quit after only working there for a short while. (Now I have worked there for a bit over a year now, but officially I've only been employed for just over 6 months). Basically I don't want to look like a risky job-hopper on my CV. Even though I have no desire to be employed by someone else and would much rather work for myself, my point still stands. The second reason being that I keep telling myself that I'm learning valuable business skills that I'll be able to use once I finally open an online shop. And I definitely have learnt some good stuff, but what if I stay there for too long and realise I'm becoming stagnant again. That I'm no longer learning anything that's serving me. Now don't get me wrong, I strongly believe that everything we learn or get exposed to or experience we obtain will be useful somewhere in your life. The skills and knowledge I learnt in my previous job got me where I am today in my season of self-employment as a designer. And I believe the skills I'm learning now in my current job will help me in my next season of entrepreneurship. I might just be impatient with moving into the next season of my life. 

There's also something to be said about feeling unwanted at work. It could be one colleague making backhanded comments, or a lack of recognition, or meetings being cancelled without you being informed, or just simply your ideas being rejected. It just makes you not even want to work. 

Anyhow, I'm not sure where this tangent is going, but I'll end this here for now and probably write a part 2 later.

Peace out 

Janie